Mullet Over

I don't know if you've had this experience, but when harvest season starts off with your boss giving you a mullet cut in front of all your coworkers, well, enough said, really. I mean, you've got a mullet, so that's pretty much all there is to talk about.

A word on the mullet: now that I've gone right through to the other side of mulletdom, obviously I have a new perspective on things. First off, it's true what they say: it's all business in front, and you've still got the party in the back. It's really the best of both worlds. I mean, your hair is out of your eyes, so you can go ahead and do your framing, laying concrete, siding, digging ditches, or, as in my case, winery lab work. And yet, you're still obviously out to have a good time. Yeah, you're a party guy.

Also it should be noted that, should you choose to get a mullet, your friends pretty much will talk about it constantly for the entire time that you've got the hairdo. Your coworkers will get over it in about two or three days, but if you, say, unexpectedly go to a party with your new mullet, you're pretty much the center of attention. If you were to, for instance, walk down the street in the Haight and meet some friends, they pretty much won't get over it, and people will start talking to you spontaneously in bars and such. And want to take pictures with you.

Yes, you will need to grow the 'stache as well. Of course you will. The mulstache is part of the look, you can't half-ass this like your fuckin' faux-hawk. A faux-mullet isn't going to fool anyone. That's just a bad haircut, not the rank, over-the-top class-defying mindfuck of a hairstyle that will make you the coolest kid in class for like six months, when some other guy goes for a mullet and suddenly there are two trendsetters, not just one.

So that's my call -- it's got to be done. All of a sudden, you're way more amusing and hip than you used to be with your new mullet, and you can say, when it's all said and done, I did it. I brought back the mullet almost single-handedly. I saw an opportunity and I took it. I was there before the people in Levis and iPod commercials. I was there before the kids in suburbia grew out their hair, before the hipsters in New York and LA grew rattails. I had the balls that the mullet-watchers don't. I went somewhere they were deeply afraid of. And it was good. For about two weeks.